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I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. Would it be possible for you in [date]. Nothing very interesting. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. So the correct answer is, "I'm hanging out with you." Most of the time, that's the right answer. Im still seething. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). So when you talk about watching her leisure time and knowing how she spends it all, I hear a situation that would be psychologically unhealthy for a teenager, let alone someone in their mid-twenties. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. Absolutely, this too. If you want to invite them, INVITE. You would think, right? Me: Nope. Instead, choose from these five replies. (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. Nanani, that is absolutely true. Find an answer. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. Aunt: Good! If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. 2. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? This is how I deal with it: They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. So with someone new, Did you do anything good last weekend? Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. Published: August 09, 2021. I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. Me: Nope. 1. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. That question from certain people stresses me too! Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. Thats fair. Im busy! Baking a cake. I didnt realize it until I noticed they were running a long-term experiment when they traveled of noting responses they said they like Canada and big chunks of northern and western US, because if they say theyre British, no one bats an eye despite their obvious Polish accents. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. Thats already happenedshe made a big stink about her dad telling her that they were all going to do something to support me at a time when I was really upset (something that would have taken about an hour of her time). Im glad its not a way to get rid of someone/blow them off without saying so. Not always). Its also pretty casual, and most people automatically reply to that question because its so common. I can vouch for this strategy! Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Your turn to tell me what you have in mind!. Glad that this day is not that worse. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. I dont know? I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. Like if I can magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with literally no input from them I guess I win hanging out with someone who wasnt that enthusiastic with the suggestion that we make plans? Eating. Nothing special. ! OH ME TOO. 4. Id like to get you to take out the trash.), There *is* a certain amount of call on her time that I -do- feel entitled to (she lives in my home, not hers; shes a member of my family). If people cant come, you still have plans with the one friend! Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. I feel like my best friend and I do this back and forth a lot, but thats because we understand there are tiers to plans. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. Yep, my wife and I too. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course, and definitely use the Captains scripts and bat the ball back across the net with I dont know, how about you? But I wonder if it would help to make these interactions less frustrating for you if you tried not to think of them as someone trying to get something from you that you dont want to give. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. Have a Happy . "Yes, the weekend always . @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. What are you up to this weekend? If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. Opposite of what I want . You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. What are you doing this weekend? If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. I would think that any event for which one needs to book a venue and/or hire a caterer would also be the sort of event to which one sends some sort of formal invitation, which is not really the case for the situations the LW describes. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). So the onus is on you, when talking to a new person, to communicate that youre just interested in exchanging chitchat about what everybody did/will do over the weekend. I get the where are you from? question all the time. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? Why not? It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? Her example story of failing to ride herd on rude white people sufficiently involved being at some luncheon or other with a couple of her grad students from India. Yes! Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. And if I do want to see her, then I just tell her something freed up in my schedule and ask if shes available or if theres anything she wants to do. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Were having a party. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" What does it look like I'm doing? . 2. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time.