But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. You're surely not alone. Blow out the torches! Terms & Conditions . When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. a truly horrible driver. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. I think you are probably right. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. This is NO accident. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. painted_lady Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? So how did she find out about it? The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? But it was annoying. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. I watched it when I was a kid. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. A little . I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. Older and (hopefully) wiser I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Obsessed with dolls? Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). One activity we all enjoyed!!!! Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? ). I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. bittergaymark In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. Dad used people for his own good. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. Tell her how much he appreciates it. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. All rights reserved. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. To care for our two young kids. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. Theres no excuse for that. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. Unless you are from PA, of course. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. My comment obviously wasnt clear. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. Did my mother? Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. Are you on Tumblr? WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. We are this little team of 2. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. She cant meet him halfway if he is putting her down. I know I did. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? EVER. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? Thats still not OK. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). bittergaymark I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. I agree weddings can be stupid . At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. lets_be_honest After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. I see his point to some extent. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. Mother of a Fangirl. Grow up, already. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! And so does dad. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. What is arguable? Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. meadowphoenix The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. See a different horoscope: Select FIONA SAYS: Gently and with tact, though she's still likely to be upset. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Then ice cream after. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Well done, as always, my friend. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. Yes! WWS. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Entirely too much. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. We watched Space Camp WAY too many times and tried astronaut ice cream together. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. And he doesnt have to hide that. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. Thanks temp! Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. My brother did not. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. He would watch Full House or something with us. You just have to learn to ignore that. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. haha. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. lets_be_honest July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. We were really physically active and loved camping and sports, unlike the LWs daughter, but those books made us voracious readers, which in turn made us verbally proficient, intellectually curious, and capable of exploiting our imaginations in sophisticated ways. A lot of painful disappointments in life. Ive been there. I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. Thinks hes hilarious). Being oblivious to financial matters. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Required fields are marked *. temperance My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Liquid Luck Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. She may still resent her father and you! The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. Huge!! Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. lets_be_honest You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. PostedOctober 22, 2014 But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. I think this is a great point. I hope the LW sees your comment. Your email address will not be published. My dad would also try to do things we liked. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Seriously. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics.